Malibu Shark Attack

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• Australia / Canada • 2009 • 88m •

• Directed by: David Lister. • Starring: Renee Bowen, Remi Broadway, Joel Amos Byrnes, Warren Christie, Nicholas Cooper, Jeff Gannon, Mungo McKay, Evert McQueen, Sonya Salomaa, Chelan Simmons, Daniel West, Peta Wilson, Simon Buckley. • Music by: Michael Neilson.

When an off shore earthquake sends a Tsunami wave rolling towards the California coast, it simultaneously releases five monster-size prehistoric sharks from a lost sea deep beneath the earth's crust. As the hungry sharks chase down swimmers, sunbathers and parasailors alike, it falls on Malibu lifeguard Doug Crenshaw and his team to protect the public from the ravenous monster fish while preparing for the destructive power of the tidal wave. But once the wave strikes, the killer sharks wind up in places you'd least expect to find them. A group of lifeguards and a crew of construction workers are stranded in the high water and have to fight the sharks to get to dry land.

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Review:

The two previous reviewers must have watched this on crack (either that, or they're both flaks for the network): this is precisely the kind of B-movie that makes SciFi channel and USA Network SO unwatchable 95 percent of the time. Even the sharks were bad. That's on the dopey director, the excruciatingly bad script, the cheesy producers, and the network drones who lard the schedule with mindless babble like this. But face it: nobody watched Baywatch for its generally poor acting or the blindingly stupid scripts, either -- it was eye candy, the TV equivalent of a pulp novel. The only real eye candy here was Peta Wilson (the men were so stupid every time they spoke that they made me wince, which ruined the effect of the beefcake), and I hope Wilson at least made a decent buck off it: this one's clearly not going into her portfolio.

The 'danger in the water' movies historically have a few remarkable gems among them, but it's mostly a history of losers and throwaway flicks like this. The "Jaws" films had a much higher overall caliber, not just of directors, actors and acting, but of everything else that went into them. The rest of the "scary fish" subgenre (yes, I know sharks are really mammals) shown on cable channels like this are only made for USASciFi to be filler in between equally fake wrestling -- perfect for a summer schedule that just reeks of old, cheap USA Network (for SciFi, read idiot dungeons-magic-and-talking-dragons flicks and horror-aboard-the-spaceship instead). It's like for 10 or 12 weeks of the year, they're willing to tolerate a decent series or two like BSG, Eureka, the Stargate series, Burn Notice or Royal Pains, then they go the cheap-ass route the rest of the year and expect us not to notice.

This is just the same insult offered by USASciFi over and over again. They learned nothing from their experience with Battlestar Galactica, which brought them tons of adult and female viewers whom they are now insistently driving away. Way to go, bozos.

What I might enjoy more is video of the USA NetworkSciFi execs and the 'pro' wrestlers getting eaten by a few real sharks so that we didn't have to watch them OR crap like this anymore. It doesn't matter how they spell it, SciFi or SyFy or Schmy-Fi -- it still translates to trash, and if it weren't for the occasional treasure like Eureka and Battlestar Galactica, nobody would bother with this channel EXCEPT 15-year-old boys: they're the only ones dumb enough to fall for this crap. Which is why I've spent my summer watching BSG on DVD and reruns of La Femme Nikita online instead.

Review by mrtraska from the Internet Movie Database.

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