Geostorm |
  • USA • 2017 • 109m •   • Directed by: Dean Devlin. • Starring: Gerard Butler, Jim Sturgess, Abbie Cornish, Alexandra Maria Lara, Daniel Wu, Eugenio Derbez, Amr Waked, Adepero Oduye, Andy Garcia, Ed Harris, Robert Sheehan, Richard Schiff, Mare Winningham. • Music by: Lorne Balfe.      When catastrophic climate change endangers Earth's very survival, world governments unite and create the Dutch Boy Program: a world wide net of satellites, surrounding the planet, that are armed with geoengineering technologies designed to stave off the natural disasters. After successfully protecting the planet for two years, something is starting to go wrong. Two estranged brothers are tasked with solving the program's malfunction before a world wide Geostorm can engulf the planet.
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To clarify: this movie is NOT propaganda for climate change, or any other nonsense like that. It's not an allegory for something that might happen in the future, it's not taking stabs at Republicans. If you somehow got that idea, please take a nice, long, hot shower. This will help you clear your head of any BS that might have slipped through your feed. This movie is just about the guy from 300 who made internet history saying "THIS! IS! SPARTA!" making a satellite that controls the weather, and then some dude hacks it to become the president. We'll get to how flawed that is later, but please don't think anything stupid like what was stated above. The movie has enough stupid without ideas like those.
The whole movie is basically an excuse to show effects. This would be fine if the effects were good. But they're not. They're really not. Most of the movie just has really bad green-screen, or some CGI looking piece of garbage. The satellite itself looks like a cheap model ripped from The Martian, an infinitely better movie that I highly recommend. The giant, city destroying effects lack weight, and depth, and any realism whatsoever. There's two different shots of waves rolling over a beach with people running. One happens in Dubai, the other happens in Rio. But with Rio, the waves are actually icy cold. Shiver shiver. Snore. Mostly snore. Also people must have heard about what was going on in Tokyo and Hong Kong right? So why is everyone just at the beach expecting nothing to go wrong?
Some of the weather doesn't even make sense. Did anyone making the movie even understand the science behind the weather? Or did someone just throw money at the creators until the movie was finished? There's one scene with 4 giant tornadoes in India. And the tornadoes are really close to the area we're focusing on. And yet nothing is being blown into them. That's not how tornadoes work! Florida is under a lightning storm. Dubai is being flooded. Moscow just has a Death Ray going through the middle of it. WHAT? That's the kind of thing Megamind did! You know, that animated movie starring a bunch of cool people that was really funny and good and underrated? They straight up bring out the full, concentrated power of the sun! And it's so dumb!
The villain's motives don't make any sense. I quote directly from the movie, "Imagine what a scientist gets paid. Now imagine that times 500". He's destroying the Earth to become the President of the United States. But why? You're gonna blow up the United States in the process! Oh and here's a funny thing; he starts off the destruction slowly. First he hits Hong Kong. It's suspicious, but eh. Then he hits Tokyo and Rio. It's not even subtle. The first one was chalked off as a malfunction, but this time it's obvious that it was intentional. And then, the dude behind it all just says "Fck it! Goodbye Earth!" and hits every major city in the world.
Oh, and here's the fun part. The part that made me burst out laughing and left me in hysterics long after the movie was over. Right after the people on the satellite stop the destruction in Rio, A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIATES! What????? Who puts a self destruct sequence in a satellite? More importantly why did you make it so easy to access! That's the kind of thing Dr. Doofenshmirtz does! There's not any kind of government code to stop it. Butler says "oh, I put that in in case it fell down to Earth I could blow it up". But that makes even less sense! Put in some backup thrusts, or give the authorization codes to the government, or SOMETHING! ANYTHING!
I haven't even talked about the characters, how dumb the name Geostorm is, that one Chinese dude who gets pushed into traffic, the poor action, or the President saying "YOU KNOW HOW I DID IT? BECAUSE I'M THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES". But I think I've said enough. I feel really sorry for the poor souls who bought tickets to this thing unironically, as this movie is nothing more than a 120 million buck scam. I was thoroughly entertained and if you want a "so bad it's good" movie to watch I highly recommend it. But if you're looking for something actually good, stay far away.
Review by Pokedom from the Internet Movie Database.
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