Bridge of Dragons |
  • USA • 1999 • 92m •    • Directed by: Isaac Florentine. • Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Valerie Chow, Gary Hudson, John Bennett, Scott L. Schwartz, Jo Kendall, Dave Nichols, Bashar Rahal, Velizar Binev, Ivan Istatkov, Nikolai Binev, Boyan Milushev. • Music by: Stephen Edwards.      The tough and cold mercenary Warchild, is working for the man who took care of his war training and upbringing, the greedy General Ruechang. Ruechang is planning to take over the country by marrying Princess Halo. But Halo discovers that Ruechang killed her father to gain more power than he had working for the King, so she decides to run away. Warchild is the one who has to bring her back to Ruechang, but the one thing no one counted on happens... Warchild and Halo falls in love, and together they take on the forces of Ruechang...
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Review:
Let's go into the film a little more - it's not really spoilers, since watching the film will spoil your afternoon anyway. Do not watch sober.
Opening scene - Dolph (Warchild, ho ho) and his elite unit of grubby stuntmen creep up on a rebel base. In bright sunshine. Over flat ground. In jeeps. Chaos ensues, if by chaos you mean 'gunfight on a budget'. By now I was already having to hold my sides - every man does the exact same shimmy (as if to simulate getting hit by automatic fire), but it appears they could only afford 1 squib per 2-3 people! Apparently, Dolph and his invincible crew are using bullets that cause people to backflip, trampoline and somersault like a Russian gymnast when hit. A few people die, then die again (nice editing!), and there's some explosions (or rather, damp smoke grenades - probably bought cheap on Ebay due to water damage).
With the base incapacitated, the bad guy (Cary Takawa (sp?)) arrives, and goes a bit hand-to-hand kung-fu on the rebel leader to show how deadly he is, before slitting the guy's throat with his trademark samurai-style sword. Or rather, he likes to gently wipe the paint off his sword onto the guy's throat before throwing him face down, off-camera. Cary is Dolph's boss. A-Ha we think, so Dolph is a baddie.
Then, for a little R&R, Dolph and his chief monkey go to the kind of bamboo-bar you only see in medieval Samurai films, where big-D takes on all-comers in a kind of Iron Monkey American Gladiators pole-fighting rip-off (fighting with big cotton buds, standing on poles 2 feet above a floor covered in pig's muck. Not noticing the slight figure, breasts or eyeshadow of his opponent, he tricks and beats up the disguised princess (who's engaged to his baddie boss). Did I mention that the princess - although very pretty - has a Home Counties maid straight out of Blackadder (think Nursey)? And that bad-guy Cary has an army made up of - and I kid you not - WW2 era Nazis, complete with tin helmets, motorbikes & sidecars and jackboots?! Then again, as the intro reminds us, this whole film takes place in a 'land where the future meets the past' or some such nonsense.
As the film goes on, we see consistently appalling actingcostumessets. From about 12 an hour in, some truly spectacularly funny dubbing (which bears no relation whatsoever to what the actors are saying). And some of the funniest, most low-budget helicopter explosions I've ever seen (helicopter damage not in your budget - no problem - fly it below a hill, and set off a cheap petrol bomb on the grass in front. Edit to emphasise the fake-ness of it all. Keep future shots aimed well away from the supposedly ruined helicopter!). I'm wetting myself by now.
I know I've forgotten other good stuff, but that's yours to find out.
Problem is, I picked up this film hoping it would at least show Dolph kicking a lot of ass, but he doesn't do much if that either. It's not as though he's getting Steven Seagal fat, because he's not - we just don't get very much from him (not even in his occasional fight scenes). Nobody watches Dolph for his acting or emotions - so you'll be relieved that he doesn't try any of that here either. One bit you will belly-laugh at is when he recognises the Princess's eyes as the person who he beat in the bar. Never mind that he might wonder why she's staring straight at him all through her wedding! And his 'thoughtful' expression - head to one side, eyebrows working overtime - is much like when a big dog is puzzled. Utterly hilarious.
Even when compared with the canon of Dolph Lundgren films, this one is a pretty fat turkey - but it is at least side-splittingly funny, provided you're in the right frame of mind and didn't pay too much to see it. If you buy the DVD like I did (HEY - it was cheaper than renting it!), you also get four hysterical trailers - including the one for this film.
Review by tenten76 from the Internet Movie Database.
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