Clash of the Warriors |
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Philippines • 1984 • 75m •
World War III is over, the planet is mostly uninhabitable. On an island in the Pacific, the Islanders survive this cursed world in a fortified colony. Under the orders of the maniacal Zeus they are forced to fight each other to the death.
  • Directed by: Willy Milan. • Starring: Anthony Alonzo, Jennifer Kirkham, Johnny Monteiro, Dan Alvaro, Ada Alberto, Rex Lapid, Roi Vinzon, Joonee Gamboa, Rommel Valdez, Max Laurel, Mel Arca, Robert Benson, Alex Bolado. • Music by: Roger Rigor. |
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Review:
This post-apocalyptic flick doesn't even need titles. We get a shot of an explosion, then the name of the film, then nothing but a still of the explosion for over two minutes while deranged disco music plays in the background. Does anyone really need to know things like who the best boy was anyway? No. Let's get to the story.
Rex, our brain-damaged hero, is fighting to the death in an arena run by half-metal faced Mouslin (I think)...this guy has the serious evils for Rex, and wants to see him die in the arena because Rex's father killed his father in an arena. This all gets explained at the end but another guy interjects about how Mouslin killed his father and the whole scene was plunged into confusion.
Anyways a girl says she'll help Rex escape if only he'll have sex with her, to which Rex reluctantly agrees with all the passion of a toenail clipping. After getting the girl and his son killed, Rex manages to escape with another girl and head off to another part of the island, the utopia kind of bit. Just like Mouslin's bit, the director makes up for the lack of locations by having millions of extras running around, tending horses, and doing backflips. It gets a bit distracting.
The chick who escaped with Rex's dad lives in this place, and of course he's a scientist working on something or other (weapons mostly, but I wouldn't discount a youth serum either as he looks the same age as his daughter)...from here on out nothing much happens until the huge battle at the end, but there's plenty of Mouslin madness to fill the void...
First up is the scene where he's walking with a fella through all his troops, and you can tell that the director wanted one of them scenes where all the troops have their weapons in an arc position and pull them back as Mouslin walks through. Well, the whole scene is ramshackle as hell and one guy even forgets what he's supposed to be doing, and just as he remembers someone else forgets. It's all good stuff, but not as good as the old 'what's under the mask scene'.
Y'see when the full moon appears Mouslin thinks he's a werewolf and has himself tied to a post where all his men laugh at him and call him mental as he drools and screams, probably at the crazy make-up job on his melted face.
Also there's the bit where a Gladiator salesman does a deal with him. This guy is probably one of the worst actors in the history of mankind. It takes him about five minutes to speak his lines, all delivered with purple face gurning that had me rolling around screaming with laughter. He even manages to move after he's killed later on.
The big pay-off here is the battle at the end. The Utopian folk attack Mouslin's camp and killed roughly 10,000 soldiers in an orgy of explosion, knife-guns (?), rockets and good old machine guns. Rex gets out a light saber (!) and fights Mouslin for about two minutes, who then explodes (you didn't see Darth Vader do that).
I'd love to tell you what happens at the very end (as the likelihood of anyone seeing this is almost infinitely minute) but I couldn't tell you, as the last conversation Rex has before the movie freeze frames is mute! This film doesn't need titles or parting words, although his missus (whom he leaves) tells him he is 'Crazy....crazy like a mad warrior'.
Never boring for a second of it's 70 minute running time and in certain scenes filmed competently, Clash of the Warlord is Grade-A brain damage. The ineptness of the original film (check out the soundtrack at the end! It jumps so much it's like a John Oswald composition), the superbly bad dubbing, and the chewed-up-and-spat-out 23rd Century transfer makes this one essential, if you can find it in a pound shop.
Review by Bezenby from the Internet Movie Database.
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