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Colony, The

Colony, The (2013) Movie Poster
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Canada  •    •  95m  •    •  Directed by: Jeff Renfroe.  •  Starring: Kevin Zegers, Laurence Fishburne, Bill Paxton, Charlotte Sullivan, Dru Viergever, Atticus Mitchell, John Tench, Lisa Berry, Lucius Hoyos, Kimberly-Sue Murray, Michael Mando, Helen Taylor, Romano Orzari.  •  Music by: Jeff Danna.
        In the future, after global warming, Earth is covered by ice and snow in an Ice Age. The survivors live in facilities underground named Colonies. When people from Colony 5 release a distress signal, the leader of Colony 7 Briggs organizes an expedition with Sam and Graydon to investigate what has happened to their acquaintances. Briggs leaves the scientist Kai in charge of the group, disappointing his former friend Mason that expected to be assigned to the position. They walk for two days to reach the facility where fifty persons live and they find only one survivor that is scared to death locked in a room. Soon they learn that a savage group of cannibals have slaughtered the colonists. Briggs and Sam manage to escape but the group hunts them down. Briggs sacrifices his life to blow up a bridge and slow down the group while Sam heads to Colony 7. When Sam arrives, Mason has taken the power and cuffs him, and does not believe on his words. Soon the cannibals arrive...


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Image from: Colony, The (2013)
Image from: Colony, The (2013)
Image from: Colony, The (2013)
Image from: Colony, The (2013)
Image from: Colony, The (2013)
Image from: Colony, The (2013)
Image from: Colony, The (2013)
This movie is every Green's dream come true. These greenvironmentalists are a bit like zealous Christians eagerly anticipating the Armageddon, just so they can say "I told you so!".

I'm no meteorologist -' certainly not NEARLY the science expert that Al Manbearpig is -' but how can it "snow ALL the time" in an environment in which no watersnow that falls down ever evaporates and goes back up? Would the manbearpig that wrote this nonsense please explain this fascinating new concept to a layman like myself? I actually love snow-covered flicks, and the movie does look great during the outdoor scenes.

I didn't have much to criticize in TC until some very stupid things started happening at the bridge. Firstly, Fishburne actually HEADBUTTING the effeminate guy (Wimpy) during a brief disagreement whether Fishburne should risk his life to re-light the dynamite. That got an unintentional laugh from me, and had me scratching my head: why would Fishburne knock him out? Besides, knocking out his pal cold placed Wimpy in great jeopardy -' seeing as how zombies were crawling all over the place. As if that weren't stupid enough, this ludicrous act of cranial violence at least obeys laws of physics - unlike the other very stupid thing that occurs at that bridge.

What does defy all laws of known physics (even zombie physics) is how Chief Zombie manages to keep up with his bloodthirsty underlings when they're constantly RUNNING while he's SLOWLY WALKING, like some pompous catwalk model (AND dressed like a hipster "Underworld" vampire, with touches of Pinhead). A person who walks must by definition fall behind people who are running. Right? Is this not self-explanatory basic common sense? Or did I not finish all my exams at Hollywood's Zombie Course 501? Pay attention to the bridge scenes and how slowly Catwalk Zombie walks ALL THE TIME; and yet his feet carry him as far as the feet of his sprinting buddies. Conclusion 1: he must have magic feet. Conclusion 2: he walks slowly to look "cool" (for the cameras? Coz he's secretly in love with Wimpy?). Conclusion 3: the director is an idiot in love with movie clichés.

I don't understand these quasi-zombies. They leave a perfectly good hive in which they have 50 warm corpses on which to munch-a-bunch, and yet they LEAVE all that perfectly soft, fresh meat behind in order to hunt down Fishburne and his colony! Don't they know all that flesh might freeze by the time they're back? And what do they intend to thaw it with? Dunno, perhaps they prefer icicles. What's the bloody rush? If these feral cretins have enough sense to mastermind successful attacks on human colonies, then certainly they should have enough common sense (or at least zombie sense) to stay where the food is. Frcrissakes, does Hollywood have to treat their audiences as mindless oafs in EVERY adventure flick?

Actually, I kid. These aren't zombies i.e. the living dead. They're merely "humans gone feral" (Fishburne). But if that's the case, then their priority -' lunatic cannibals or not -' would have to be food instead of senseless, random slaughter. (Does a farmer slaughter all of his livestock at once?) And yet, as I mentioned already, they willingly abandon a huge supply of warm flesh in order to run around in the freezing cold. Dumb.

But if you think the dumbest is over with, think again. The movie's laughable finale gives us a seemingly lopsided duel between Wimpy and Catwalk Zombie. Guess what happens? Wimpy gets a pummeling that even Joe Frazier wouldn't have survived in his best days. Just imagine Mike Tyson punching Leo Di Crapio over and over and over - and yet Wimpy (Leo clone) somehow stands up and proceeds to actually DEFEAT Poseur Zombie. I guess I can always count on Hollywood to deliver its trademark malarkey.

How about that touch of inevitable political correctness whereby the movie's "wise leader" is a black man, and his highly moral and intelligent under-boss is a white woman -' while the symbol of all that's selfish, sociopathic and evil is the resident "aging white guy". Damn typical, huh? Good thing there were no court-room scenes, otherwise we would have had a black woman (if the verdict is fair) or a white man (if the verdict is corrupt) as the judge. Guess who saves Wimpy and his girlfriend when the "aging evil white guy" slams the door shut on them? A black woman. Anybody who thinks this kind of "racial casting" is a merely random is awfully naïve. There's an agenda behind it.

It's not exactly in-your-face liberal propaganda of the kind that's usually out there, but it does shove the writer's left-leaning white-guilt nonsense down our throats in a subtle way (which will be picked up by more observant -' i.e. less brainwashed -' viewers). Oh well, Tinseltown is a source of all that's vile and racist, as the few of us who are in the know are aware of.

Not to mention how utterly predictable Bill Paxton's (Evil Aging White Guy) every single move is. He is a cliché character straight out of a dime novel, so his character ends up cheapening the movie significantly rather than succeeding in convincing us that "white man be keeping us all down in America". The usual farce. The big fat irony which I'm sure the writers failed to even notice) is that Paxton was correct in being against Fishburne going to the other colony.

Did I mention that Poseur Zombie is immune to explosions and fire? Well, of course he is: he is a distant cousin of his Tinseltown pal from "30 Days Of Night" -' who happens to be a vampire i.e. has at least a valid excuse for having superhuman powers and abilities.

Review by fedor8 from the Internet Movie Database.