Alright here's the score: Two nudie aliens in human shape have appeared on Earth. Along with their toy robots which are about twice the size of a skyscraper. 666 of 'em, landing at different major cities all over the world. Said machines will destroy the planet unless we prove humanity is worth a damn to our visitors from space. Why they feel they can judge us when they can't even find a decent tailor is beyond me, but never mind. After a very naked chase through the woods on arrival, both are tranquilised and captured by the US army. Obviously, what with the American forces being a bunch of boneheads, they further antagonise the situation by treating the extra-terrestrial lifeforms with contempt, locking the bloke up in a cage and interrogating the woman with threatening questions. Even a nuclear strike doesn't work against these Transformer (TM) lookalikes, so what can our race do?
Fortunately, among the gung-ho soldiers, there is ONE MAN. This ONE MAN realises these aliens are friendly because the girl communicated to him telepathically. He helps her to escape from this roguish lot surprisingly easily, and in return she starts his car for him when the ignition freezes during their getaway using her mystic powers. She shows him her home planet in a non-Vulcan mind-meld, and surprise surprise, its covered in greenery and has a flowing waterfall. YAWN. So passé. They wander around a very abandoned downtown Los Angeles ( because of the upcoming Apocalypse, or the budget could only accommodate for about 30 extras) get their car stolen, ponder weird human phrases and even deliver a baby. You can see the resolution from a mile away: The girl alien sees the value in human life in the birth of this tot, sadly the mother dies (BOO!) but is brought back to life by the healing touch of the alien (YAY!) and as a reward even has the kid named after her (Sky WOOP WOOP!) Yep, all like clockwork so far.
Sadly, those nasty GIs have tailed the odd couple and shoot and injure the girl and capture the renegade soldier. Yep, they have but one hour left to live and they STILL want to ignore good advice and keep her prisoner while the Earth crumbles. Forget stupidity, these cats have a death wish. Anyway, what with this being so predictable up till now. You don't need me to tell you (but I'll tell you anyway to kill some time) that our hero manages to escape, grabs the alien miss, convinces his hitherto sceptical best friend in the service to turn tailcoat and join them before they rush off back to the alien's ship in a jeep together. They are pursued all the way by Mr Paranoidy Beardie Guy and his troops, who catches them just as the extra-terrestrials are about to embark on their voyage home. He shoots our hero dead (BOO) but in an amazing twist, he is brought back to life by the alien (YAY) and then the beardie dude is subsequently disintegrated by a robot for being a nasty sort of chap (WOOP WOOP). The alien's male friend (who escaped earlier) finally reappears, but instead of asking him "WHERE THE BLDY 'ELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME YOU USELESS GET" she embraces him. Funny how women are so eager to forgive.
Finally, the tearful goodbye, lots of metal capsules containing Transformers (TM) start flying aware from Earth, the ponderous narration with a moral about why EVERYBODY SHOULD LOVE ONE ANOTHER RIGHT NOW. Roll credits. AANNDD I can get on with writing this review. Only it isn't a review. It's more of a plot synopsis with a few sarcastic remarks included for good measure. Why? Because frankly this film is such a big pile of nothing, it doesn't deserve detailed analysis. It just sits there, with it's bargain basement special effects and cut-out cardboard characters, neither thrilling you nor interesting you in the least. Not even inspiring enough to get up off your lazy butt to change the channel. It's the kind of movie you leave on in the background while you're mopping the floor or changing the cat litter, and you don't remember a thing about it later on. Cos you likes the noise. And you're a very lonely person. Like me. Sorry, what was I talking about? Looks back through review Oh yes.
Could the Keanu Reeves version of this story be any better? Who cares? All I know is I'm steering clear of space movies for a while, and I'm off down the pub before closing time.
Review by anxietyresister from the Internet Movie Database.