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Metal Man

Metal Man (2008) Movie Poster
USA / Germany  •    •  87m  •    •  Directed by: Ron Karkoska.  •  Starring: Reggie Bannister, Samuel Nathan Hoffmire, P. David Miller, Jill Shackelford, Leah Grimsson, Katherine Pawlak, Shane Russeck, Jed Rowen, Anthony Antonucci, Darren Lebrecht, Barbara Jean Barrielle, Kim Irwin Dildine, Jay Moreno.  •  Music by: Michael Donner.
       Kyle Finn has the ultimate combat machine, a metal suit with super-human powers, and he uses it to defend the good and fight evil. That 'evil' comes in the form of Reed, his ninja henchmen and the Mecha Terror robot: has the Metal Man finally met his match?

Trailers:

   Length:  Languages:  Subtitles:
 0:50
 
 

Review:

Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
Image from: Metal Man (2008)
If there exists another film out there that matches the quality (or massive lack of) of this one, then I might as well give up with life. This isn't a film in so much as an experience, much like toothache, or a migraine is an experience. This marks a new low for films, and if you ever see a copy of it lurking unawares, like a rapist, in your local pound-shop, buy it and burn it. God will smile upon you.

Let's look at this film on a critical level: a mad scientist decides to turn a teenager (who's about 30) into a sub-level Iron Man, complete with dodgy helmet and unspecified powers. As he is being tested in a cold room (?) goons and a gang boss enter and kill the scientist, leaving the boyman stuck in the suit forever. The goons then go and kill the boys family, for some reason. The boy swears revenge, which goes against the oft repeated fact that he has 'a strong sense of right and wrong'. This is a fact that is repeated by various characters every five minutes. I think the makers, sadists that they must be, decided that every time a character said it, they should down a pint. It would see them through the production of this tank, at the very least.

There is a hammy villain, who clearly wants his way with his dead best friends daughter. There is a duff helmet, which does something to a poor girls head to make it seep blood. There is a token Chinese goon who gets kicked in the balls. There is a prologue which couldn't serve less of a purpose. There is a scene at the beginning in which the boyman tries to talk to a girlwoman, and fails. I'll see you next Wednesday, she says to him. That was exactly what I uttered to my sanity when I pressed the off button on my DVD player.

Then there's the question of the suit itself, which has no real purpose, and is yet the most important thing in the film. It can't be removed, or so I gathered, but that's okay, because if you say 'stealth' it just disappears for a bit. To navigate the minefield of eating, the scientist made some green stuff that the manboy could hold next to his neck to provide nourishment, and to open your mind. It gives you super powers, which the dead best friend's daughter proclaims to be 'really awesome'. Because the scientist predicted his death, he made an AI version of himself to speak to the manboy in the helmet. The list goes on.

The truth be told, I could write a book on the flaws of this film. The fact that it looks like it was made on an iPhone camera, and edited by a blind person comes to mind. The script, which doesn't just recycle the typical clich├ęs but regurgitates them also is also a major factor. In reality, though, just think to yourself, was this film ever going to be good? No, no, no, no and no. Even with the budget of Avatar this film would have tanked.

If you think you'll watch this on the grounds that it could be amusing, pick something passable like Megashark VS Giant Octopus (which looks like an Oscar winning epic next to this) to fill your time. This goes beyond funny and into the realms of 'Oh-my-god-did-they-really-just-put-that-on-screen?'. Treat this film with the kind of contempt you would reserve for terrorists or back-alley dentists. Avoid eye-contact. Don't let it come to your attention. Walk away quickly. This isn't a review, more of a public warning. Never, ever, watch this film. I couldn't wish that torture on my fellow man.


Review by DeclanCochran from the Internet Movie Database.